FAQs

An addiction which uses sex in all its forms to escape reality.

• An illness of escape from reality
• Compulsive and progressive
• Causes changes in personality
• Medicating
• Cunning and baffling
• Destructive

Here are some things that may be happening with you: 

• I keep getting involved with the same type of people over and over.
• I can't tell anyone how I really feel.
• I use alcohol, drugs, food or sex to dull emotional pain (or my partner does.)
• I have been diagnosed with an STD and I am monogamous. I don't understand.
• My partner is abusive to me and/or I lash out at my partner uncontrollably.
• I like to stay busy, because if I allow myself to sit down and get still, my feelings start to overwhelm me.
• I have trouble sleeping.
• I eat when I'm not hungry to comfort myself.
• My partner doesn't meet my needs (or my partner is unhappy that I don't meet his/her needs.)
• I feel disconnected from myself at times.
• I often feel anxious, sad, or depressed, and I don't know why.
• I know something is wrong in my relationship, but I don't quite know what it is.
• I find myself exhibiting anger at others that is out of proportion to the situation.
• I want to stop my compulsive behavior but I can't, even though I have tried.
• I feel my partner is demanding & controlling, but I put up with it because I'm afraid he or she will leave.
• I feel I have to compete with the computer/TV/work to get my partner's attention.
• I suspect my partner is unfaithful, but I can't prove it. He/she tells me I'm imagining things. I don't know what to believe or how to act anymore.
• If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me.
• "We're always fighting and yelling, but we never really talk"
• I spend too much time on the internet.

In other words, ANYONE needs therapy from time to time. We do not adhere to a medical model of doing therapy i.e. that you are sick. We all suffer as part of living, some more than others. The benefits of therapy are numerous, not only to heal from obvious problems, such as addictions, but to further get to know who we are and to live our lives abundantly.

We prefer that both members of a couple attend for the first session, if at all possible, for a complete evaluation of the dynamics of the relationship. Usually, the couple is then asked to attend individually and, later on, group, to work on their own healing. Couples are taught specific strategies to begin to address accountability and disclosure in the relationship.

Partners of those who exhibit compulsive sexual behavior suffer greatly from the infidelity that is part of sex addiction. The trauma that results from such behavior is a form of chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Even though intellectually a partner may know that the acting out behavior is not about them, the heartbreak and devastation remains very traumatic and real. Treatment consists of validating the trauma, grieving the losses, empowering the partner in a supportive environment and encouraging self care. Healing one's own trauma is also part of the process. Gradually, the partner begins to realize the gifts of his/her own recovery. 

TrueSelf Transitions offers help for wives of sex addicts, as well as husbands, partners, family members and friends. Please contact us for more details.

TrueSelf Transitions offers EMDR and hypnosis in individual sessions as well as a variety of "soulwork" exercises in our new Regaining Consciousness© intensive weekend workshops. In addition, we collaborate with and refer to various body healing modalities such as yoga, therapeutic massage, Transformational Breathwork, and equine therapy.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. The client is prompted to move their eyes back and forth repetitively in a way that seems to stimulate both the right and left sides of the brain. It is a proven method of healing not only trauma, but any disturbing memory that interferes with your present life. EMDR does not require the use of talk therapy and takes a fraction of the time that traditional talk therapy does. When a disturbing event occurs, it can get locked in the nervous system with the original pictures, sounds, thoughts and feelings. This material can combine factual material with fantasy and with images that stand for the actual event or feelings about it. EMDR seems to unlock the nervous system and allows the brain to process the experience. That may be what is happening in REM or dream sleep—the eye movements may help to process the unconscious material. It is important to remember that it is your own brain that will be doing the healing and that you are the one in control during the sessions. 

Many times, EMDR is used in addition to individual talk therapy to not only speed up the healing, but to get at unconscious material that the conscious mind may have blocked.

Every cell in our body remembers any trauma experiences from the womb on. These memories are stored in the subconscious until we are strong enough to remember. 

To quote Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world's foremost authorities in the area of post-traumatic stress and related phenomena:

"...traumatic memories, in effect, stay "stuck" in the brain's nether regions-the nonverbal, nonconscious, subcortical regions (amygdala, thalamus, hippocampus, hypothalamus, and brain stem), where they're not accessible to the frontal lobes-the understanding, thinking, reasoning parts of the brain." ~ Bessel vander Kolk, MD, Author of "The Body Keeps the Score"

To put it simply, you are ready to do trauma work when you are ready and not before. The choice is yours. Trust your inner guidance system and your precious Self!

We collaborate with other CSAT therapists as long as a written consent is given so that we may coordinate therapy that is beneficial to both of you.

Twelve steps provides the very best venue and provides the very best environment in which to heal from addictions. It helps you establish a vertical connection (i.e. a connection with a Higher Power of your understanding) and a horizontal connection (others in the program who understand and suffer from the same type of addiction.) Every human being suffers and every human being needs both a connection with the Divine and with others. And, it is free. Your addiction usually won't like your attendance at 12 step in the beginning, but it is necessary so that you can learn to live consciously and learn to really live. Which leads us to the next question ...

Many addictionologists say that you will; however, we don't agree. Some people WILL have to regularly attend 12 step--being involved in 12 step is the only barrier that keeps them from using or acting out. That is a fact. And we believe each individual who learns to be honest with him or herself knows if that is the case for them. However, many others who truly devote themselves to recovery, get a sponsor, work the 12 steps (not just Step 1), associate with others in the program, get therapy to address the reasons they got addicted in the first place, LIVE what they have learned, and establish a RELATIONSHIP with their Higher Power can stop attending "all those meetings" and just go when they feel the addiction creeping back into their thoughts. Another thing to consider is the 12th step--passing it on. Helping others who suffer is a wonderful way of keeping awake and aware of where you have been.

There are a number of ways in which sex addiction develops:

• A genetic predisposition to addictions in general
• Often addicts come from families in which other members suffer from addictions
• The family system is rigid and disengaged
• Sexual abuse in childhood
• Other forms of abuse in childhood
• Depression frequently accompanies both sex addiction and sexual anorexia. Feelings of despair often intensify both addictive and anorexic obsessions.
• High stress situations, even when there are no other predisposing factors

Other addictions

Core beliefs of individuals suffering from sexual addiction include: 

• I am basically a bad, unworthy person
• No one would love me as I am
• My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others
• Sex is my most important need

Research has shown that if at least three of the following criteria are met, addiction is present.

• Recurrent failure (pattern) to resist impulses to engage in specific sexual behavior.
• Frequent engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period of time than intended.
• Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control those behaviors.
• Inordinate amount of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience.
• Preoccupation with the behavior or preparatory activities.
• Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic, or social obligations.
• Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, financial, psychological or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the behavior.
• Need to increase the intensity, frequency, number or risk of behaviors to achieve the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number or risk.
• Giving up or limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities because of the behavior.
• Distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior.

Acting Out Behaviors

• Fantasy Sex – becoming lost in sexual obsession and intrigue including behaviors which support preoccupation like stalking, compulsive masturbation, or being a "romance junkie." (18%)
• Voyeurism – visually oriented behaviors including porn addiction, strip shows, and peeping. (18% or more)
• Exhibitionism – exposing oneself inappropriately or in self-destructive ways. (15%)
• Seductive Role Sex – serial or concurrent exploitation of relationships usually in pursuit of power and conquest. (21%)
• Intrusive Sex – violating boundaries as a high arousal experience such as obscene phone call. (17%)
• Anonymous Sex – compulsive sex often in high-risk circumstances with people one does not know. (18%)
• Trading Sex – using sex as part of a business transaction. This is addictive because of the risk, cost or repetition of early trauma. (12%)
• Paying for sex – purchasing sex as in compulsive prostitution or 900 number sex services. (15%)
• Pain Exchange – sex which is most pleasurable when one is hurt physically or diminished personally. (16%)
• Exploitive Sex – serious sexual misconduct at the expense of vulnerable persons. (13%)

Addicts usually participate in more than one acting out behavior, but have a clear hierarchy of preferences and alternate patterns. To further complicate a diagnosis, sex addiction is seldom isolated. Over 85 percent of addicts reported multiple addictions.*

*From material written and taught by Dr. Patrick Carnes.

Spiritual Counseling is not the same as religious or pastoral counseling. Religious or pastoral counseling is usually provided by a religious leader, rabbi, minister, etc. and is specific to a particular religious tradition. 

Spiritual Counseling is a way of addressing one's spiritual healing using a psychotherapeutic approach. Human beings are all born spiritual creatures. We have a need within us to seek the Divine. We encourage you to find the spiritual path that is right for you. 

We start by taking a thorough evaluation of your belief system and where you are in your spiritual journey. If you were traumatized spiritually as a child, we guide you in becoming conscious of your spiritual wounds. Moreover, any form of abuse, be it physical, emotional or sexual is spiritual abuse because it wounds the soul. In avoiding discussion of Spirit we have done ourselves a great disservice. I come from a Native American background that views all of creation as part of the Web of Life. In our fast-paced lives, it is easy to lose connection with our Father Sky and Mother Earth. But we are living in a time when He/She will no longer be ignored. My goal is to go with you on your own journey of spiritual healing. 

We don't heal you–you heal yourself–YOU find the answer within yourself with the help of your own Higher Power. I just help you to become CONSCIOUS! I don't promote any one particular religion. All are portals to the Divine.

People who happen to be gay usually do not need help because they are gay, but because they are people who have problems like anyone else. Being gay simply adds another dimension due to homophobia and all that that entails. We have worked in the LGBTQIA community for many years having won Outsmarts' award for best female therapist for two years in a row.

When you make your first phone call, we talk to you briefly about what is going on, if you so choose. Your first appointment consists of a thorough evaluation lasting 1.5 to 2 hours. This gives you time to tell your story in a calm, non-judgmental environment, and to be heard and validated. A treatment plan is then mutually discussed to start you on your path to healing.